“Where one drop of blood drains the castle of life, so one Kiss can bring it alive again”
For a long time I didn’t like ‘me’ very much. Lost was the happy, go lucky girl that was full of so many hopes and dreams. I never really worried much about things, I was able to do anything, go anywhere. Then I became a shadow of myself, existing in a bubble, feeling cut off and alone, strange and weird, wishing I could be normal, just be like everyone else. I felt like I was going through life in a cursed, sleep like state, from which I just could not wake.
Some days at its darkest I even questioned my right to be here, to grace this earth with my pitiful presence. I felt like I burdened those around me with the curse that taken over me, that I darkened their light, sucked the joy away and cast my spell upon everything. I felt like I was living in the darkest of fairytales only there was no one to save me, no one to chase away the evil that threatened to consume me. Where once I had brought life, with one event I had been changed and now only despair remained.
I guess that was the problem, because what I hadn’t accepted, was that I had suffered and it had changed me. I was waiting to wake up, back to who I was, to be the person that everyone knew. Only that person was gone and the more I chased her, the more I looked for someone to save me and break my curse, the worse I became. In my minds eye I became a person no one could love, that was only to be pitied and put up with. I doubted my worth, my abilities, and felt I had nothing to offer anyone. All that was light, all that was good felt covered over by the curse, and it was consuming me.
Yet it wasn’t someone else that I needed to save me or a kiss that would awaken me, breaking the curse. Only I could do that. I needed to become the hero I needed, the person to re-write my story.
Part of that was acceptance.
For too long I had tried to hide who I had become. Pretend that the old me was still there. I stifled the pain I was in, held it captive inside me like a deadly poison. I was ashamed and so I was stumbling through life in a sleep like state, trying to find a way to break free.
Then I found others that like me were suffering in their own dark story, and so I started to feel less alone. I started to reveal the person that I had become and seek support and solace. I also sought out those whose words were healing, that made me believe that I did have worth and I had something to give. I pushed myself to be brave and courageous.
Then something magical happened I started to wake up. I started to believe that I wasn’t a terrible, weak person that cast darkness everywhere, instead I had the power to give light. The more I accepted me, what had happened and my limitations, the more I realised that none of it was my fault and that I could rewrite my story, the stronger I became.
For me, what breaks the curse is acceptance.
I am a good person. I have lots that I can offer others, especially love and support. I accepted too that I don’t have to be prefect, that there will be bad days and that’s ok, that I can let others care for me and they will want to.
I have accepted thats its ok to be me, warts and all, I don’t have to be a beauty. What I am no longer doing is walking through life in a sleep, missing out on what it has to offer, and while I have limitations and things that I still struggle with, I am re-writing my story, it is my story and no one else’s.
I don’t need to compare myself with others, or live up to anyone expectations only be the best I can and try to bring good and light to others. I have also accepted that not everyone will understand, or want to, not everyone will support me or want me to wake up, and while this is hard it cannot stop me. But most of all I have accepted that I deserve love, not the love of others but the love of myself.
Accepting myself and loving myself is always going to be my battle but I am determined to get there and find my happy ending. The curse is slowly lifting, I am feeling alive again, my story isn’t over yet, there are so many more pages yet to come.