“Suddenly you know……. it’s time to start something new and trust in the magic of new beginnings.”
Fireworks explode everywhere, colours of the rainbow fill the dark sky. Bursting stars shimmer and fall earthbound while below everyone stands in awe. Excitement and expectation is heavy in the air and with loud chimes and traditional songs a new year is welcomed.
For me this year has been a mix of so many emotions. I began the year with trepidation, because I knew I was changing my life profoundly. I was starting over, moving on and to be honest I was terrified. I’ve struggled to embrace my own needs, to make choices that were right for me. I always want everyone else to be ok, to not hurt or effect others and so instead tended to place myself last. However there comes a point when as hard as it is you have to put yourself first and do what is best for your own emotional wellbeing.
Sometimes this means big changes, that are indeed life changing, which is where I found myself at the start of this year. It was hard, scary and uncertain, to leave behind a life that was all I had known for most of my adult years. For too long unhappiness had been my companion, struggling along with the pain of knowing that no matter how much I had tried I was now at the place where things had to change. I was facing my cross road a choice before me, I could carry on, feeling caged and sad, longing for more, to be free from the control that I felt held me within its grip or I could take a chance, I could see where the new road would take me.
One of the things that stuck with me when I had counselling was the thought that I am not responsible for other people’s happiness. I’ve struggled with this and still do because I wish those I love to be happy. Yet I came to see that in doing so I was sacrificing my own happiness, living half a life and damaging me in the process and of course then not making anyone happy. So I decided to muster all the strength I could and make the changes I needed.
Those weeks were a blur and as I look back I have no idea where my courage came from, only that I knew that if I could be brave and not look back, a better life was waiting.
I realised too that in relationships we are only half the story. We cannot make relationships with others, no matter who they are, work if we are not met halfway. We can fight and even beg but the other person has to see why difficulties exist and wish to want to make things better too. Sadly for too long I had struggled alone, held back, put down and crushed till I didn’t know that I mattered, that I deserved better. But I do matter and while others may not of understood my journey I had to see where the new road would take me. This has been painful and there have been days I’ve doubted I could see through the hurt but life has a way of giving us hope and helping us even at the darkest of times.
As the months have passed embracing change has been rewarding. I have found a freedom that I didn’t realise I was missing, a calm that I didn’t know had left me. The knot in my stomach has slowly unraveled and my heart has steadied in its resolve to keep going. My confidence has grown, new challenges and opportunities has presented themselves. I have had amazing moments, made fantastic memories and had new adventures.
While change has brought much good it hasn’t been without its challenges. I have struggled with guilt that I have put myself, my happiness, first.
I have lost relationships with people I once loved dearly and believed were part of my life, but I have had to accept Im not responsible for the choices they make.
In some ways I’m more alone as a result. But I have also gained much. I feel like I have begun my life again. I have done and achieved things I never thought possible for me. Im slowly finding me again and learning that I have much to give. I have also had people come into my life completely out of the blue that have shown me kindness, compassion, support and unconditional love. They have given me encouragement to believe in me and shown me a world where with the right help you can soar and reach things that once I believed impossible.
So here I am ready to start another new year. As the fireworks fill the sky again I will be thankful. Thankful for those I have in my life that love and support me, thankful that I have embraced change and thankful for the new life it has given me.
I know that the new year will hold more for me to discover, including discovering more about myself as well as lots more exciting new adventures. So here’s to the new year, to grabbing hold of happiness and making new memories, here’s to letting go of the things that don’t allow us to flourish and grow and holding on to the things that do. Like the colours that light up the dark, let us shine too and our colours burst with our own worth.
Embracing change is hard, challenging and scary. Sometimes we may lose things but we will also gain much too. Life is short and each of us have gifts that can light up the darkness if we surround ourselves with those that encourage and reflect our light. Sometimes we have to leave behind a life we once knew, or someone we once loved so we can find peace and calm, and then put our needs, first. So embrace change however scary it maybe because you never know where it may lead you or the new life that awaits.
Happy new year x